Ad Astra is a terrible movie. Do not watch it under any circumstances.

"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein)
02/12/2020 at 11:24 • Filed to: None

Greetings! I’m here to warn you to not watch a movie that I had eagerly anticipated but couldn’t bring myself to finish: Ad Astra, Brad Pitt’s spaceman movie that came out last fall. Oh man, it is so bad, and yet it’s incapable of being enjoyed in a so-bad-it’s-good way. Woof.

Based on the trailers, Ad Astra was right in my wheelhouse: a near-future space exploration realistic-ish cerebral scifi movie with a bunch of big-name actors and cool effects. Technically, it does have those things. But I’ve learned my lesson: those elements in and of themselves are far from a guarantee of a watchable movie.

If for some reason you actually do want to watch this movie, spoilers ahoy. I’m not sure I can even call these spoilers, as that would imply the movie is watchable enough that knowing plot details could ruin your enjoyment of it. Watching the movie is enough to ruin your enjoyment of it.

Here’s the premise: Brad Pitt is a sad, lonely, un-emotive astronaut. His dad, Tommy Lee Jones, was a more famous astronaut who led a “deep” space exploration mission, and I use quotes because it went to Neptune. At some point, US Space Command (the movie was made too soon for it to have adopted Drumpf’s now-real Space Force name) lost contact with the mission. But Tommy Lee Jones is universally revered by all as the leader of the mission that traveled the farthest out into space of anyone.

Now, mysterious electrical storms are causing all kinds of problems on Earth, and it looks like the storms might be coming from some technobabble on/near Neptune. Maybe it’s Tommy Lee Jones, alive after all these years! Maybe if we have his son Brad Pitt, who is also an astronaut, talk to him from a recording studio on Mars that can communicate with Neptune over laser beams, he’ll stop making mysterious interplanetary electrical storms!

But wait, it turns out space colonization and travel is like the Wild West, and there will be many obstacles in the way of Brad Pitt getting to the laser recording studio on Mars.

First up, Brad Pitt needs to fly a commercial space flight to the moon, because the Space Force Space Command (and referred to as “SpaceCom” throughout the movie) doesn’t want people on Earth to know about the mission, and launching a long-range craft capable of reaching Mars is not something that happens regularly on Earth, apparently. People would wonder what’s up. So, Brad Pitt gets to the moon, and it’s an airport. Complete with an Applebee’s and Hudson News, which is a funny touch.

But, this is a commercial spaceport, and to get to the launch site for the ship that will go to Mars, Brad Pitt needs to go hitch a lunar rover ride to the dark side of the moon where the Mars ship launchpad is located. Oh, and Tommy Lee Jones’ buddy Donald Sutherland is along for the ride, to provide expository information. But the territory between the moon airport and the dark side of the moon launchpad is contested and riddled with moon pirates! So there will be a convoy of lunar rovers taking Brad Pitt and Donald Sutherland to their Mars ship.

This is the point where I should mention that most everybody Brad Pitt meets in this movie fucking dies. These two dudes included. The guy on the right is the SpaceCom lieutenant in charge of the fleet of lunar rovers. He gets shot in the fucking face by moon pirates, because the lunar rovers are devoid of any protection whatsoever, which you might think would be a good idea to have if you’re using them to regularly traverse contested moon territory patrolled by moon pirates, hmm?

Out of 3 SpaceCom rovers, Brad Pitt and Donald Sutherland are the only people who make it to the Mars ship launchpad. But then Donald Sutherland has some unknown medical emergency. He gives Brad Pitt a flash drive with classified information about the mission. GO WITHOUT ME! YOU NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MISSION! Brad Pitt gets on the Mars ship and asks SpaceCom about Donald Sutherland’s condition. He was “rushed to emergency surgery,” but like I said, almost everybody in this movie who Brad Pitt meets fucking dies, so I’m going to assume he didn’t make it through that surgery.

On the way to Mars, the ship receives a distress call from a Norwegian research vessel. Brad Pitt doesn’t want to stop, BECAUSE THE MISSION MUST BE COMPLETED AND SOME OTHER SUPPLY SHIP OR WHATEVER CAN HELP THOSE NORWAY FUCKERS but the captain of the ship insists it’s their responsibility to render aid. So Brad and the captain and maybe one other person go over to the Norwegian ship. They can’t find anybody, but Brad Pitt notices some ominous claw marks on the wall. What kind of research was happening on this ship?

Then Brad Pitt goes back to find the captain, and he sees him floating, twitching. This is not a good sign. Why is he twitching? Oh, it’s because he’s having his face eaten by a bloodthirsty space monkey!

Brad Pitt distracts the space monkey from eating the captain’s face, and it chases after him, but he locks it in a compartment and starts twiddling some buttons on a control panel that I thought were to open an airlock and blow the space monkey out into space. But no, there was no airlock, he just made the space monkey blow up into a splat of goo on the window of the locked compartment. Maybe that means he subjected the monkey to an explosive decompression like James Bond does to that one guy in License to Kill.

Brad Pitt goes and finds the captain with his mangled face and also mangled hand, both of which the camera lingers on way too long for comfort, and he makes a new visor for the captain by duct taping over the visor that the space monkey had smashed.

The movie implies that the captain is still alive this whole time, and Brad Pitt brings him back to the Mars ship, and the other characters are all like, “we need to give him medical attention!” and the camera lingers on his mangled face way too long. This is the first point at which I stopped watching the movie. I was like, damn yo, I’m just trying to chill watching tv on a Monday night, I’m not sticking with this. Space monkeys eating astronauts’ faces is what passes for PG-13 nowadays. Who knew?

The next day, I decided, ok fine I will try to resume this movie, but I’m fast forwarding past the dude’s chewed up face. I thought, hey maybe this medical attention they were talking about will be like in The Expanse where they can regrow limbs and shit, but then I remembered the technology in Ad Astra is not nearly as advanced. I don’t know what exactly they did to decide the captain was a lost cause, but they sent his ass out into space. So much for that improvised duct tape visor.

The ship then arrives on Mars, but not before the automated landing program goes haywire and the first officer, who is now piloting the ship, freezes up and Brad Pitt has to take over manual control to stabilize the landing. After they land, Brad Pitt says something like, “I assume you understand why I had to do that. The ship is now yours. I won’t report this to SpaceCom.” Nice of you to do that for the shellshocked first officer.

On Mars, Brad Pitt meets Ruth Negga, who is the director of operations for Mars. They walk through an inexplicably orange corridor, but then they meet a mysterious man bun guy who tells Ruth Negga she doesn’t have clearance to continue along with them. So she leaves.

Brad Pitt goes with mysterious man bun guy to the laser recording studio, and reads SpaceCom’s pre-written message to his dad. They get no response. They try again, but this time Brad Pitt goes off script and talks to daddy in a heartfelt way. Mysterious man bun guy and the other people in the control room react to this in hushed tones but don’t tell Brad Pitt what’s going on. Did Tommy Lee Jones call them back? They won’t say!

This makes Brad Pitt mad. Man bun guy instructs Brad Pitt to follow a grunt to take a psychological evaluation. This is one of many automated psych evals that Brad Pitt has had to take up to this point but I didn’t feel like mentioning it until now. He usually passes them and is lauded by SpaceCom leaders for being cool as a cucumber (“is it true your heart rate has never gone above 80 bpm?!”), but he immediately fails this one and is told to go to a chill-out room before he can go back to Earth.

This is not a holodeck—there are projectors putting soothing images on the walls.

Ruth Negga shows back up and starts asking Brad Pitt questions about the mission, but Brad Pitt is all like, “that’s on a need-to-know basis lady!” But then she tells him that the ship that brought him to Mars has asked her to supply them for a deep space search and destroy mission, including nuclear warheads. She tells Brad Pitt she knows who his daddy is and that her parents were on the same mission as him and she shows him a video he’s never seen. Turns out, after they got to Neptune, a bunch of people including her parents freaked the fuck out and wanted to go back to Earth, but Tommy Lee Jones was all, “the exploration must continue no matter the cost!” and killed them.

SpaceCom knew all this, but they didn’t want the mission to be seen as a failure so they made him a hero instead. Ok, SpaceCom. Based on this new information about his daddy, Brad Pitt decides he must go on the trip to Neptune, and asks Ruth Negga for her help in getting onto the ship. She has plans for the launch site so she can show him how to sneak onto the ship, and an enclosed Martian rover. Surely the rover dudes on the moon would’ve appreciated this model’s nominal protection from moon pirates.

Since Brad Pitt has to sneak back onto the ship, he goes down this space manhole which leads to some kind of underground tunnel full of water, which he can navigate no problem because he has the plans from Ruth Negga, and a space suit, which is also waterproof, and there’s some cable running through the water, so he just pulls himself along the cable til he gets to the rocket launchpad. Score!

Brad Pitt sneaks past the rocket engines and up into the ship just before they fire. The crew of the ship hears an alarm from him opening the door, then sees it’s him. They ask SpaceCom what to do, and get orders to kill Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt keeps trying to say “I’m not hostile! I mean you no harm! I come in peace!” But orders are orders. Then these things happen:

The first officer who is now the pilot after the captain’s demise shoots at Brad Pitt. Because you really want to be shooting up the inside of a fragile-ass spaceship before setting off on a journey from Mars to Neptune.

The copilot lady and one other random dude un-buckle themselves to float their way over to Brad Pitt and fight with him. The pilot yells that the engines are about to fire, and the momentum from the launch throws them backwards, where the copilot lady’s face promptly smashes into a window which kills her, and the camera can conveniently linger on her smashed face through the cracked window.

The other dude grabs a screwdriver off the wall and tries to stab Brad Pitt with it. Brad Pitt starts fighting him off and stabs this dude in the leg with the screwdriver.

The pilot keeps fucking shooting and hits a fire extinguisher-like canister that starts leaking fumes into the cabin. Except it’s not a fire extinguisher, it’s some kind of toxic chemical. Brad Pitt still has his spacesuit on so the fumes don’t get to him, and he yells for the dudes to get oxygen. But the screwdriver guy dies. Brad Pitt floats back up to the pilot and puts an oxygen mask on him, which extends his life for another few seconds, and then his ass dies too.

Brad Pitt sends a message back to SpaceCom, sorry about sneaking onto the ship, I didn’t want to hurt anybody, but now, “due to my actions, the crew are all deceased.” Then he blows their bodies out into space.

From here, Brad Pitt goes on to Neptune, on a journey we’re told will take 79 days. He ruminates about his daddy issues (he killed people because he wanted to, I killed people by meeting them and leading them into unfortunate circumstances, wahhh), and eats with a feeding tube in his belly, and has his muscles stimulated with electrodes to keep them from atrophying, and watches old video messages from his ex-wife Liv Tyler who left him because he was too emotionally distant, and generally does not enjoy himself.

Some stuff happens after this, and apparently he does in fact make it to Neptune and meet his dad, but this is the second time I gave up on the movie. Because it was just fucking bad and not enhancing my chill in any way whatsoever. There were probably a good 45-60 minutes left at this point and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

It may sound from reading my description that this is actually kind of an absurd, entertaining movie. But the stuff I described took up like 2/3 of the movie. There was a ton of waiting around listening to Brad Pitt give voiceovers about his feelings in between each absurd moment I described here. The pace was slow as all hell.

What a piece of shit movie. Blech. Thankfully, I only wasted my time in watching it for the low low price of zero dollars. I wouldn’t pay a penny more than that.

DISCUSSION (45)

ttyymmnn > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 11:32

Another space movie I was deeply disappointed with was Valerian . The 5th Element is one of my all-time favorite flawed movies, if only because it looks so amazing. Valerian looked amazing, and I’m generally a Luc Besson fan. But the acting was garbage, as was the story.

Textured Soy Protein > ttyymmnn
02/12/2020 at 11:34

I watched Valerian on a flight. I enjoy watching mindless dumb scifi movies on flights and it was fine enough for that purpose. Ad Astra is way worse.

Just Jeepin' > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 11:35

You have infinitely more patience than me. I frequently walk out or movie theaters from far better movies than that sounds like.

King Kong (Peter Jackson desperately needs someone in every project who has the authority to force him to trim down his films), Elysium (just ugh), to name a couple.

Textured Soy Protein > Just Jeepin'
02/12/2020 at 11:42

I’m a patient guy but part of why I gave it a second chance was because I had been genuinely interested in the idea of the movie, even if the execution was lacking.

Generally I pick movies I think I might actually enjoy and I generally see stuff through as long as it’s at least half decent. The only other movie I can think of where I had to stop mid-way through because I thought it was terrible like this was the Harold & Kumar Christmas movie. I was watching that at home with a friend and even though we were in the required state of mind for a Harold and Kumar movie we both were like, this is bad, we need to turn it off.

facw > ttyymmnn
02/12/2020 at 11:46

I’m still angry about how bad Valerian was. I mean I had read a review, but it seemed in my wheelhouse enoug h to ignore that. Visually stunning, but terrible acting and terrible writing (it’s hard to see where one ends and one begins, though Cara Delevingne was so amazingly wooden I’m sure her role would have failed badly even with exceptional writing) .

Grindintosecond > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 11:46

I saw 2010 in the theatre. I was 10 . I understood it. I had not seen 2001 and it’s magnitude until way later. T he year before that I saw The Right Stuff, also in the theatre when I was 9 . Space is freakin’ cool. Afterward, having digested all the future stuff from Star-Trek/Star Wars/Forbidden planet (which holds up!) , I found anythign else to be a major disappointment when it comes to speculative space fiction. Exceptions: Alien/Aliens, Event Horizon, Moon . . .

Moon, I highly recommend that one. SEE it and I’m not going to say anything about it other than it’s a drama film without galactic turbo lazors and spaceship fights. The protagonist works on the moon. maintains the mining operation. discovers things as you do. Uses lots of modeling instead of CGI. Done real well. Sam Rockwell and Kevin Spacey (robot voice)

Anyway, everything else is a way better book than movie. Solaris for example was a great book. Movie? Eh, it’s okay.

Ad Astra I disagree with you on. I don’t find it horible, but it’s another also ran. It’s an emotional search drama in a pretty realistically built world. Of course there’s going to be animal research in micro gravity. Of course there’s going to be land grabbing highwaymen on other moons/planets once things get commercialized, just like it was in our US wild west mining rushes. I was bothered by the daddy issues and personal drama. My resulting review on that whole package is: Wait until it’s on Netflix/Prime, don’t pay more than that for it. Watch the 4 seasons of The Expanse instead if you want space action.

ttyymmnn > facw
02/12/2020 at 11:51

Both Delavigne and DeHaan were terrible. I remember once how Ian McKellan complained about acting on a green stage, saying it was difficult to work when there was nothing to react to around you. He transcended it for the most part, while other actors in those films failed. Perhaps it was the same with the cast of Valerian. But the supposed sexual tension between the two never, ever worked, and when the tension was resolved it felt contrived and boring. When Rihanna turned into an octopus, they really lost me. Just a dumb film.

Chariotoflove > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 11:51

Thanks for the warning. The summary calls to mind a half dozen or so SciFi tropes. It can’t be as bad as The Cloverfield Paradox, which holds my top spot for all time waste of brain cells.

Textured Soy Protein > Grindintosecond
02/12/2020 at 11:51

I like the Alien movies, and need to see Event Horizon and Moon at some point. I briefly started Moon within the past year but got sidetracked. My issue with Ad Astra isn’t the existence of the moon pirates and space monkeys, it’s the ridiculous plotting, terrible decision-making by all characters, and Brad Pitt inadvertently killing everyone he meets. By the time he kills everybody on the trip from Mars to Venus I was like, of course they’re all fucking dead. It was comical.

Textured Soy Protein > Chariotoflove
02/12/2020 at 11:52

I managed to finish Cloverfield Paradox. Not this.

Chariotoflove > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 11:54

I didn’t. I just fast forwarded through the last hour. If this is worse, we’ll I’m sorry for your loss.

DirtyDodge > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 11:58

I watched this movie a couple weeks ago, i found it very disappointing, it barely delivered on its promise of space pirate and laser fights in space, it was a lot of boring scenes in boring space with boring dialog, should have just put on the other guys, that movie delivers every time

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 12:06

Wow. Thanks for the laughs!

Grindintosecond > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 12:09

When you see shocking stuff in Event Horizon, a real space-horror movie, do NOT back up and play it in slow motion/ frame advance to see what it was.....just, don’t do that. It may have 27% rotten tomatoes, but what horror movie isn’t scored low for tropes and routine scares.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 12:09

Kinja'd!!!

* giggle snort

Textured Soy Protein > Grindintosecond
02/12/2020 at 12:19

That’s honestly one of the main reasons I haven’t seen it. I don’t generally enjoy horrifying horror movies. I ’m willing to watch some gore and I’m ok with stuff like the Alien movies or 80s slasher movies, but crazy fucked up gore is not my preference.

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Chariotoflove
02/12/2020 at 12:21

Funny you should mention JJ Abrams— he’s one of the worst offenders in this genre. A guy that can get a $400 M budget ‘greenlit’ but can’t carry off a coherent script?

It’s like that Sci-Fi movie by Chris Nolan’s half-wit brother, which I completely hated. “Wait, you have the resources to launch an Interstellar mission to rescue Private Ryan, but you don’t have the ability to use LinkedIn to find your ‘bestest, best space pilot and Lincoln flunkie ever ’ only a few miles away?”

Who writes this crap?

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 12:22

On the plus side, the lead actor bears an incredible resemblance to Cliff Booth, that sorta notable stunt man from the 1960s. So, there’s that.

Jim Spanfeller > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 12:24

Your summary of this movie is entertaining; sorry you felt like it was a waste of time! Have you ever watched or read The Martian? I saw the movie after reading the book, and thought both were brilliant. The book is better, as books tend to be, but the movie is not bad at all, and I think they did the best they possibly could to condense what made the book great into the length of a movie. I highly recommend both.

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 12:26

it’s funny, but I remember EXACTLY where I was when I saw Alien for the first time— and saw that critter come straight up out of his chest. Mind blown.

But, to your point, I’m damn sick of all this “let’s throw a hundred different uncorrelated concepts into a script bag and see if it congeals” stuff.

And, to the earlier comment, having JJ Abrams throw “Khan” into a completely unrelated script for no reason is emblematic of what’s wrong with these “big name producers” getting involved with source material they don’t understand.

Thanks for the tip on Ad Astra. hard pass given and I’ll waste the time more fruitfully watching Cliff Booth drive around West LA.

Grindintosecond > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 12:28

I really liked it for the ‘Hard Fiction’ aspect. Ships built like submarines, industrial heavy metal feel to everything. It set the mood. That’s how real space faring travel will be, I think . Clunky. Chunky. Rudimentary. Like the Landing Gear handle on the 737 I fly; it’s the same part from the 707! Heavy, long lasting, won’t break. lasts for ever.

Which makes anything bad that happens that much scarier. A scary basement...in space!

Textured Soy Protein > Jim Spanfeller
02/12/2020 at 12:28

I’ve seen The Martian and it was entertaining enough to keep my attention.

This was not good at all, I’m just good at making fun of ridiculousness and absurdity. The pace of the actual movie is way slower than how I wrote about it. There was a ton of boring waiting and sitting around listening to Brad Pitt give voiceovers about his feelings in between each of the ridiculous moments I described.

Jim Spanfeller > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 12:33

I meant I thought your descriptions of how terrible it was were entertaining. I will definitely not watch Ad Astra after reading this. Thank you for watching it so I don’t have to.

Jay, the practical enthusiast > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 12:39

Your review is spot on. I hope you can do some more movie reviews for us. I actually finished the whole movie and I'd like to say that it just keeps getting worse after you left off.

Stapleface-Now Hyphenated! > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 12:59

Oh man, I hated this movie. It was sooooooooo damn boring to me. And I thought it went way too long with dead silence or nothing happening . I mean, I get it, space is desolate. But this movie was just rough. Can’t think of a worse movie I saw last year, and I see roughly 3-4 movies a month.

Azrek > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 13:10

This is perfect. I did this with Interstellar and more recently I tried to watch Godzilla King of Monsters yesterday.

Godzilla is a 2 1/2 hour movie. I watched it in 15 minutes or so. There were 9000x too many humans. There is a scientist that wants to rekindle with his family? I don’t care...I hope you and your family all get eaten by the TITLE CHARACTER. I didn’t turn on a Godzilla movie to watch human drama.

I kept fast forwarding till there were giant monsters...and once they stopped fighting I fast forwarded to round 2 of fighting.

The movie apparently bombed and had terrible reviews. Yeah...there were tons of humans in a Godzilla movie. I am good with like 2 Asian chicks going “ MOTHRA” and maybe a scientist going, “GODZRRILA!” and that is about it.

Grumble...Also why I hated the Transformer movies. Jazz had 3 lines?! Then he died!?

Textured Soy Protein > Jay, the practical enthusiast
02/12/2020 at 13:14

I don’t often review movies, but if I do, it’s because they’re bad.

https://oppositelock.kinja.com/heres-my-spoilery-batman-v-superman-plot-hole-thread-1767208711

https://oppositelock.kinja.com/im-pretty-sure-i-think-that-maybe-the-last-jedi-was-cra-1821388224

DipodomysDeserti > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 13:51

As soon as I started watching the film, I was like, oh, it’s Heart of Darkness , but done really poorly. I watched Apocalypse Now to cleanse my pallet.

Textured Soy Protein > DipodomysDeserti
02/12/2020 at 14:02

Yes, there’s definitely that aspect to it as well.

phenotyp > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 14:09

This movie looked like garbage when I saw the trailer. Good to know I wasn’t wrong.

WiscoProud > Textured Soy Protein
02/12/2020 at 14:19

Thank you for this. Based on the ads i figured it was right up my alley. I’ll still probably watch it, but I won’t make my wife watch it with me, and i’ll be half-drunk.

Chariotoflove > SBA Thanks You For All The Fish
02/12/2020 at 14:39

I am not the biggest Abrams fan.

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Chariotoflove
02/12/2020 at 14:41

We adored “Alias”. It’s been all downhill from there...

Textured Soy Protein > WiscoProud
02/12/2020 at 14:48

Don’t do it! Intoxication is no shield from its horribleness. I was baked off my ass and when they spent all that time on the dude’s chewed up face I was like FUUUUUUUCK THIS SHIT MANNNNNNN. Both times I stopped watching I switched to Brooklyn Nine Nine to get some much needed lightness.

Chariotoflove > SBA Thanks You For All The Fish
02/12/2020 at 14:56

Alias started off really good.

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Chariotoflove
02/12/2020 at 15:00

Even it got pretty weird once the “big levitating strawberry” appeared.

Same way with “Lost”.... once the Polar Bear showed up? “They have lost their way”.

Which I guess is his trademark.... “Our writers are stuck, let’s just throw in some nonsense plot element to make our audience think we’re ‘deep’ “.

Which is how Khan got dropped into Star Trek movies out of sequence...

Chariotoflove > SBA Thanks You For All The Fish
02/12/2020 at 15:20

I’m proud to say I never watched Lost and have no idea what that reference means.

Chariotoflove > SBA Thanks You For All The Fish
02/12/2020 at 15:22

Also, Benedict Cumberbitch has his place in the cinematic universe, but casting him as Khan was a real head-scratcher.

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Chariotoflove
02/12/2020 at 15:29

The premise of Lost was sorta interesting— cast of characters stranded by a plane crash, all Robinson Crusoe-y, on a remote tropical island. Some hints of “alternative motives” by characters, but it gelled well for the first season— fight for limited resources, drama, survival. All good stuff.

Then, at some point, well into the run... nothing seems to be getting resolved. More mysteries layered on more mysteries— but no “plot pay-off” by any reveals. Tease-Tease-Tease... And then, WTF????... a polar bear strolls into the frame.

“Check please! I’ve had my fill of this A-Hole.”

Chariotoflove > SBA Thanks You For All The Fish
02/12/2020 at 18:05

Sounds like the way X-files went, sans polar bear.

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Chariotoflove
02/12/2020 at 18:28

it’s a shame about Lost—- they could have thrown the audience a bone with some partial reveals along the way. Instead, it’s just more nonsense plot elements piled on top of drivel plot elements, all wrapped in a tasty flour tortilla of “everything is a mystery”.

IIRC (and I’m probably blanking out my memories of the wasted time...) they even threw in some bizarre time travel storyline.

Chariotoflove > SBA Thanks You For All The Fish
02/12/2020 at 18:30

It’s just the same old procedure of riding a concept into the ground. Every show jumps the shark eventually. Producers should recognize when it’s time to end.

Straight Outta Cronton > Textured Soy Protein
07/25/2020 at 14:32

Sorry I disagree. As to call this a piece of shit movie is an insult to shit. If I’d stared at the brown log I dropped in the crapper this morning for two hours I would have spent my time better. Where to begin? Too many contrivances because the plot requires it (he can’t transmit his message to Mars for relaying onwards, he has to go there personally and sit in a voiceover booth? Oh, okay). Bad science in a film that pretends it cares about extrapolating a future of human space exploration accurately (walking like it’s earth gravity in the indoor scenes on the moon? Oh, okay). Pretentious trippy direction and sets (is that so we might be afraid that hiding beneath the mind numbing dullness of this drivel there is some deep meaning that we are just not intelligent enough to perceive? Oh, okay).

Brad. You were in F ight C lub. SHAME. SHAME. SHAME.

Anyway stay safe everyone

Mansa > ttyymmnn
08/19/2020 at 12:11

I honestly disagree, Valerian was a fun little blast and the acting/dialog was stylized, but I can understand why it could be interpreted as bad. To each their own though. Back to this POS, Astra was a total waste of time from bad plot, bad writing, sense less dialogue and a rather apparent indication, much like “ Gravity”, that the writer has no sense of science or even science-fiction for that matter.

ttyymmnn > Mansa
08/19/2020 at 12:20

Fair enough, but I thought DeHaan and Delevingne seemed just so bored by it all. Their relationship seemed forced at best, and when they finally consummated their relationship it didn’t feel like the result of anything that had been building. It was inevitable, but like so much of their relationship throughout the film, it seemed forced.